Dealing with Criticism

Our natural responses to criticism are related to our god-like views of ourselves and an inner perception we may hold that our purity is unassailable. Only one who is humble and convinced of his/her own inadequacies (or sinfulness) can honestly assess criticism, ignore the feeling of woundedness to step back and take the spiritual view of what s/he may have said or done to elicit such critique.

It's crucial for us to know ourselves -- I chuckled at one blogger's quoting Edwin Friedman (the late author & speaker on emotional processes within family/ congregational systems) as telling him to "Define the hell out of yourself." If we don't humbly understand and seek understanding about ourselves from both our own interior view and the exterior views of how others perceive us we simply cannot know what criticism is valid or invalid when someone or some group blows us out of the water with their criticism-bombs.

As most of those who've lived long enough probably have had, I've had plenty of painful opportunities to deal with others' harsh criticisms. Words are frequently spoken and written about others to tear them down, not to build up, not to help them mature, not to edify, but to "finalize" them in judgment (as Arthur Frank noted). Friedman also said, "...if you are a leader, expect sabotage." I'd add another insight to his that being a leader is not simply indicated by one's position or title! I've often wondered what the reactions of Jesus' teachers were when they realized that their student was more gifted, insightful and wise than they were. Many teachers and people with positional authority will sabotage their own students or subordinates who threaten them and their illusion of their own superiority or "greatness."

Tim Keller quoted John Newton as saying,

"Whatever...makes us trust in ourselves that we are comparatively wise or good, so as to treat those with contempt who do not subscribe to our doctrines, or follow our party, is a proof and fruit of a self-righteous spirit."

Keller's blog ends with another quote appropriate to our task as Christians:

"A man may have the heart of a Pharisee, while his head is stored with orthodox notions of the unworthiness of the creature, and the riches of free grace. Yea, I would add, the best of men are not wholly free from this leaven; and therefore are too apt to be pleased with such representations as hold up our adversaries to ridicule, and by consequence flatter our own superior judgments. Controversies, for the most part, are so managed as to indulge rather than to repress his wrong disposition; and therefore, generally speaking, they are productive of little good. They provoke those whom they should convince, and puff up those whom they should edify. I hope your performance will savor of a spirit of true humility, and be a means of promoting it in others."

May we always look to the Lord, being wary of the pride within, and seeking to emulate the humility and service of Christ himself.

[Re]Writing the Story

It’s there in the texts of Matthew 28:11-15, Mark 16:8-14, Luke 24:9-11, 36-42, and John 20:24-28. Others’ fears and desires to retain power, remain comfortable, resist any change, keep their employment (or heads!) and maintain the status quo cause them to deny the disciples’ stories of the resurrection and to spread lies by creating a false story. Another risk is also written in the texts, too, that the disciples would believe the false story because of their own fears, incredulity, limitations, or lack of ability to see the risen Lord.

False stories serve some purpose. The false stories we tell about ourselves and others justify our actions, rationalize our choices, and deny the affects of what we do or say on ourselves and those around us. False stories usually have some unifying principle that sounds glorious and righteous: e.g., protecting the people (cf. Matt. 28:14), maintaining order, spreading democracy or “free” markets, keeping costs low, ensuring control, “loving” someone, personal freedom, privacy, rights, individual responsibility, forgiveness, peace, group culture, etc. The bass motif underlying all these stories is, however, the justification of a denial or overriding of the truth in another’s life or story. The purportedly “higher” end and principle are betrayed by the process of falsifying another person. Abusers triumph over their victims when they succeed in convincing the victim that the false story is really “truth.”

Massimo & I committed ourselves as parents to do our best to reflect truth to our kids. We told the truth that we believe – we’re each created by a loving God whose love for us is revealed in the self-giving and self-emptying of Christ Jesus. At other times, reflecting truth meant not allowing them to lie or to rationalize their own poor behavior in reaction to another’s wrong; sometimes, it meant confessing our own failures to be loving when we were stressed and our reaction to them revealed more about our immaturity than about their errors or childishness. Reciting the true story to them helps them be grounded in truth and their own identity and worth before God. Reflecting truth also means having the courage to stand against others’ lies and false stories which harm the liar and damage the community.

Paul used “standing” in Christ to describe our posture before liars and accusers. “Stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the equipment of the gospel of peace; besides all these, taking the shield of faith, with which you can quench all the flaming darts of the evil one.” (Eph. 6:14-16) There have been and will be times in each of our lives where someone lies about us to preserve their own false story. As Christians, we need to examine ourselves; we know that truth doesn’t threaten us but heals us. Then, when we face accusations, we don’t have to cower in fear or to attack and create a diversion. If the story is true, we need God to help us change in order that we may conform to Christ in truth. If the story is false, we trust God to deliver us while we continue to stand. Faith in God is expressed in truth and standing, not in running or fighting fire with fire.

Arthur Frank reflected on the thoughts of Vaclav Havel in The Renewal of Generosity. Reformation from oppressive systems has to begin individually, because the nature of oppression that is institutional and structural requires individuals to subsume themselves. To overcome the pattern, the individuals have to reform themselves. “Under [institutional oppression], people were unable to see their moral selves revealed in their actions; instead they could see themselves only as actors in a story imposed on them from elsewhere. …No one should have any illusions about the capacity of institutional reform to bring about a renewal of generosity. It’s the reverse: personal acts of generosity have the potential to affect the values that determine what goals are sought by reform.” (pp. 28-29)

Telling the truth is dangerous business. The corrupted authorities want truth-tellers silenced, institutions want to hoard their positions and resources rather than be generous, and power-brokers want Christ crucified. Sometimes we’ll see the corruption ahead, and sometimes we’ll be blind-sided. However, James told believers that we must never stop looking into the perfect law that sets us free – using Frank’s analogy, I believe that we will always be able to see our moral selves and act accordingly when we’re standing in Christ. Only “in Christ” are we known and do we know the true light who reveals us to ourselves and before God’s face. As we humbly meditate on God’s Word and pray daily, we trust the Holy Spirit to weave humility and truth into the fabric of our being. Whether we live or die, metaphorically, in this particular battle, we know Whom we serve: “It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be put to shame in any way, but that by my speaking with all boldness, Christ will be exalted now as always in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain.” (Phil. 1:20-21)

Christ is risen!
He is risen, indeed!
May Christ arise in every one of us, this day, and in the days ahead.

At peace or war within ourselves

Last week I had one of those encounters with a very angry person that leaves one wondering, "what was that about?" Since our house church has been studying James together, my thoughts went back to some of the verses, and I realized that 4:1 is translated differently in various versions. "Those conflicts and disputes among you, where do they come from? Do they not come from your cravings that are at war within you?"

Although the "you" is plural in the Greek throughout the verse, there is the implication in the second clause that warring within ourselves leads to disputing with others. Perhaps your anecdotes and observations may differ from my own (and from James', cf. 3:13-4:12), but I don't recall ever meeting a peace-filled person who seeks confrontation not conversation; however, I have met folks who avoid all confrontation and still lack peace themselves. Obviously, confrontation or avoidance don't produce peace in and of themselves. What does?

Jesus said, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." (Matt. 5:9) Jesus was a teller of truth (aka "prophet") which is an uncomfortable and dangerous position in a world filled with people wedded to the status quo, the system, and its supporting structures. Making peace, according to scripture, has more to do with encouraging one another to face the truth than with approving of, maintaining, protecting, giving in to, avoiding, dominating or manipulating one another. The sword of the Spirit is the Word of God, according to Paul (Eph. 6), although human wielding of the Word isn't always Spirit-led, as most of us have witnessed! (but I digress...) The gospel of peace is proclaimed with the sword of the Word, and that sword cuts both ways -- we have to lose our lives in order to wield it (Matt. 10:34-39).

Perhaps Arthur Frank's "Dialogical Stoic" is an apt descriptor for some of us. (The Renewal of Generosity: Illness, Medicine and How to Live) I find it helpful. The stoic is able to receive or refuse true or false representations of his/her self when others cast them onto him/her. (cf., Eph. 6:16, the shield of faith) But, the dialogical aspect of Frank's stoic always seeks to remain in conversation with the other, recognizing value and worth despite the other's possible misrepresentations of the stoic. (James 3:17-18)

For those of us who follow Christ's way, we can face the truth about ourselves and the ways we've been hooked into unhealthy systems, while knowing that our turning toward God by the power of the Spirit results in forgiveness. When others who remain hooked cast their representations onto us, we should know God, the Word and ourselves well enough to know what is true or not about that representation. Hear any truth, let go of anything false, stand in Christ, respond with grace and truth (not with carnal weaponry like name-calling, anger, ad hominen attacks...). This is our call to humility and maturity - a tall order which seems possible (at least to me!) only when I'm walking in the power of the Holy Spirit.